An Eyes of Wonder Post



Many of you dear readers were followers of Eyes of Wonder back in the day (for those that don't know what I mean, my mama had a blog for a few years and documented the life of our family). All of us children still have access to the blog (it's private now) and occasionally I go back to re-read her writings. I thought it might be a nice treat for some of the long-time-ago readers to see one of her posts again.

"The Squishing...."

(posted Friday, February 04, 2011)

It's a nice, and quiet , (the comma after nice means that nice and quiet aren't linked together, right? Okay, good.) easy-goin', lazy kind of day here today. Hmmm....did I mention that Chubb isn't here? Oh, yeah, that's right, I told you all about his new job, down the path, across the field, and up and over the hill, there with Jonathan, at the farm! And well, James, now makes his home down the road and up the hill with Aslaug, and, Joseph, spends his days working, over with, and for, Wesley (who flew the nest, now, long ago). Mmmmm, things just keep getting quieter and quieter and quieter around here, changing all the time! 

The present picture looks like this from where I'm sitting and what I'm seeing: the younger ones, Nicholai, Sophia, Aimaija, and Celeisa, are kind of sprawled and spread over and around the big dining room table engrossed in (to the point of silence--which in the end seems will be somewhat the theme of my day!) making egg carton creations (and they've been at it for over an hour). Rosie, is clicking and clacking in knitting away on a dish cloth, before the fire and near to me (we're in twin chairs), and Julia, is reading aloud to Celeisa, who has just--at long last grown weary of making egg carton creations and long-leggedly crawled up into and onto Julia's friendly receiving arms and lap. They're reading a simple, fine, and one of my favorite children's picture books, "Mrs. Wishy Washy". 

The shine is shining, shining, shining so bright and warm (in stark contrast to the usual snowing, snowing, snowing, and more snowing with little-to-no sun really to be seen), which is making me giddy while at the same time nearly putting me to sleep!. So nice. A gift, as (as I just said, but have to say again--the giddy side of me), the majority of days are more-ly and mostly gray, plain, silent and somber gray, throughout the months of winter here in our world. 

The David Nevue station is playing along nicely on the Pandora Radio (a very thoughtful and enjoyed every day--bright sun or gray--gift from Wesley and Claire). Supper is cooking and making the house smell delicious--as does Chicken Pot Pie. And, it's a big pie, filling up a roasting pan, later amply and warmly, filling all our bellies!

I am so comfortably situated here in my cushy-comfy chair (too comfortably, really, in that twin chair to Rosie's) that's positioned right smack dab in front of the wood stove, with the sun (our enthusiastically  welcomed foreign visitor) streaming in the windows wrapping 'round me and seeping in through my pores and to my core that, honestly, it seems if I never, ever had reason to move or do another thing ever again, I'd be ten times more than okay with that!

Which brings me (well nearly, long-winded, and just tryin' to be honest) to the conclusion of today's weather report and serene sayings of silence and solitude, and sadly, up and out of this chair I've melted-to-melding into, as I have to go and pick up "you know who", at the "you know what", "you know where" (a kindly hint) just down the path, across the field, and up over the hill (though I'll be driving and taking the long road-way around, because I don't have any snowshoes, though I do truly wish that I did, but that's another story for another time's telling! ;o)

So, "the end" (grinning~~ yeah right, then why are you getting this uncomfortable feeling that I've only just begun, and starting to get squirmy in your seat?) what began with Chubb, ends with Chubb, (clicking my tongue) but not really, as this is what I've really been, I think, coming 'round to sayin', cause, it's what I've been thinkin' about a whole lot about lately.

We "squished him out", to be sure (which isn't exactly true, but I'll explain that later, in the end of the end ;o)--though only for a little bit and not completely, for now, which is a mercy-- those number of hours each day, that are goodbut at the same time have felt so strange, foreign--like today's long-stayed visit of the sun, during which time I kept again and again finding myself lulled by the quiet, nodding off when I wanted and needed to be on, and too hot and thus figeting-in-uncomfortable, happy for him to be growing and changing, becoming, and making his way, yet continually looking and listening for him for (that no-one-like-him loud-noise-maker) and the way things were, just a week ago, only to remember with a quick-catch that took hold in my stomach and then aggressively moved straight-on to my heart (or was it the other way around?), that he wasn't here, he was off and away (for now, everyday), not here, but over there, elsewhere.

And, though, he's makin' a comeback, as each day he does (and will in about half an hour), sad part is, for me as the mama (that loves them, each one, far more than they may ever know), just as with all the older ones that have and are, ventured and venturing out and off and away, eventually ending up (just where their meant to be, in His time, not mine) settled in elsewhere and on their own, things are changing, organically evolving, becoming what they will and were meant all along to be, and won't ever be just the same. Truth is, that tomorrow won't be today, just as today wasn't yesterday, yesterday was gone, having already been. Today, and all the many moments within it, will never again come my way.

I tend to like so much about things just as they are. The changes don't come easy for me, they never have, and as the Lord knows, maybe they never completely will (but then, maybe that's the way it's suppose to be, a big and critical part of the keep-us-looking-towards-and-longings, for Him the only one who never changes, and for heaven, our hearts only true and everlasting home, a should-be, need-be, part of the way of things). Even far back as when I was a little girl, seems I never too much liked change, yet it always pushed as He pulled, serving to draw me, closer and nearer, ever-towards Him.

I love deep and wide when I love (and I know I'm not alone in this) and not by halves--seems it's not in my nature, and never has been.Trouble is ("red hot"--means well--passionate for life to a fault at times girl, here) I can be prone to loving on my own, in my own, at times, which might seem, because it can feel so good (to my displaced heart, so "made to crave", love, intimacy, validation, security, comfort ) right and okay for a time, until in time the warning signs begin to come and to show, without fail. And....

By His merciful grace--given life and breath through His loving allowance, through circumstance, in relationship, all of my life, every single bit of it--my eyes open wider (childlike wide, even), my vision becomes clearer (and so often those eyes, seeing in some ways like what seems for the very first time, begin to weep at the wonder of it all) and I come to realize (too many times with sorrows, shame, and regrets--but He knows this too, loves me still, and has given me so many brand new tomorrows) that however worthy that sweetest object of my affection might be--and usually is, to me, it's never, ever really right or best, for me or for them, for me to be looking, hoping, longing, desiring to find that which simply cannot be found in any thing or one otherwise, which can only ever be found in Him alone. We can never truly freely love until we are free to love, because our deepest foundational needs for love (and all the much that encompasses) are met in Him.

Resisting change, pushing--at times struggling not to fight, other times giving in and wrestling within--against that which the God who made me, knows and understands me, cares for me more than any other could ever hope to, who is the Sovereign, Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Never-Changing One who is LOVE, lovingly, for my good and for the good of all those that I care most for, ALLOWS. His allowings in circumstance and in relationship, things I wouldn't choose for myself, some things I wouldn't have, couldn't have, ever even thought of, because in my humanness and finite understanding they would be so off-putting to me, and seem the antithesis of getting me any where that I might be desiring to go. 

The things that I might choose, that He says no to, for my good, for the good of all, that He tells me to let go off, put down, and be on my way, and in the letting go and leaving entrust it to Him (with whom we could and should go 'round and 'round in describing and thinking upon in all His incomprehensible to our finite minds wonderfulness, is every single thing that I just throughout this paragraph said that He was!) He loves me. He loves them. He loves you. He loves yours. We will (it's been said before, and I'll say it again) never know another love like His.

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased." ~~C.S. Lewis (Letters of C. S. Lewis)

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself

~~ Luke 10:27 And, well, the whole chapter is so beautiful. 

"And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch sa ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

~~Matthew 25: Verse 40

If only we knew what He knows--which is everything, all the time, backwards, forwards, inside out and upside down, we would wholeheartedly and without reservation do as He tenderly says in His precious word:

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice."

~~Philippians:4:6-13 and verse 4

 All to say, mostly and once again to myself, sometimes things that are good, not just good, but so right and best, in the process, and in the one day outcome (that we can't always feel or therefore see it for just what it is and will be, because we're not God) come about by hard, wearying, uncertain, confusing, even pain-filled means, disappointments, loss. When they that are do, I'm learning again and again and again, to an always greater degree and sometimes by error and regret, to press into Him, leaning my head upon His breast, because He is love and He loves me.

Now there was leaning on Jesus' bosom one of his disciples whom Jesus loved.

~~John 13:23

Whoso leaneth on the Lord, happy is he.

~~Proverbs 16:20

Cause me to hear....for on Thee do I lean.

~~Psalms 143:8

What time I am afraid, I will lean on Thee.

~~Psalms 56:3

Trust, according to "Young's Analytical Concordance", means: to lean on, to place the weight of my confidence upon....

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace.....because he leans on thee.....Lean on the Lord forever: for the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.

~~Isaiah 26:3, and 4

And, in the end, which may really be the end (though not really, 'cause none of this kind of stuff ever really ends, not when we belong to Him), I have to say, it's not really true, we've not "squished Chubb out", no, not us. Not me. Not Rosie, nor Julia.

I often jokingly say when folks marvel at the number of children that I have and then begin to pepper me with questions of the details of who's who, and how old, and where and what, that "we've managed to "boot out" thus and such many, so far".

Truth is, it's been hard for me, the leavings, even the leavings leading up to the leavings in some ways at times. When Wesley left he was 19, and he seemed so young, because he was my oldest I suppose, and well, he'd always been home educated and we'd spent far more than a little time together every single day of his life. He was dear to me beyond any imaginings. No words could say just how so. He left for a year. A whole year, and was 4 hours away. The first day--a shopping day--I cried, and cried, and cried, not just for the leaving, no. I cried from the deepest place inside of me for the knowing, for the knowing that things were changing forever, and would never be the same. It wasn't, and isn't the leavings, especially the by-degree-leavings such as Chubb is making his way through just now, that are the coming change clothed in His tenderness, His mercy, His love, making the being led up to "grand crescendo" something easier to play, something of beauty beyond description. It's the knowing that it's forever change, and that "today" (maybe even more so the long succession of todays) drawing to a close and will never come again.

And, the hardest truth is, it's also the sometimes wishing with all my heart 'til it feels like it's going to burst and hemorrhage all over the place if it wasn't for the running to and "burying of my face in His breast",

Now there was leaning on Jesus' bosom one of his disciples whom Jesus loved.

~~John 13:23

Whoso leaneth on the Lord, happy is he.

~~Proverbs 16:20

Cause me to hear....for on Thee do I lean.

~~Psalms 143:8

What time I am afraid, I will lean on Thee.

~~Psalms 56:3


that it wouldn't have gone by so fast--faster, it seems, than should have been possible, and that I would have said or done more of this and wouldn't have said or done any of that. It's life and relationship overall, not just with children, but wherever, with whomever, or whatever that might be, that I'm at the time found to be, and through it all the holding loosely-s, the letting be-s and letting go-s, the getting met of my deepest needs and longings in Him as only He is able to meet them, so that my givings will in fact be givings able to be freely given (and not just takings), conditional upon and expecting, nothing, in return. It's the moment by moment, day by day, way of John 15:5:

I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.

The way of, in the precious few words of Amy Carmichael:

"In acceptance lieth peace", peace, and a host of other life-changing, generation-affecting, eternally significant, good things, that can really come about by no other means.

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."

For we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

~~Romans 8:28

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of Godwhich is in Christ Jesus, our Lord.

~~Romans 8:38 and 39

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.

~~Isaiah 40:11

For the Lord God will help me: therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed......let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God.  

~~Isaiah 50:7 and ...10

Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy: and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.

I, even I, am he that comforteth you: who are thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of a man that shall die, and the son of man which shall be made as grass:

And forgettest the Lord thy maker, that hath stretched forth the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth.....

~~Isaiah 51:11-13...

 

Chubb never the same



These two photos came from an old and well worn children's storybook that Julia made many years ago. 

Beneath each photo are her little writings.

Written beneath the first photo are the words: "Rosie, is so strong, and we're squishing Chubb! :o)"

Beneath the other, the words, "He never looked the same after we squished him!! ;o)"

Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Christ Jesus.

~~Philippians 1:6


"The squishing" (I pray to be continuously reminded, and by grace believe by faith), is always and ever only allowed by the One whose self defining character trait is love (I love that and could say it over, and over and over again, never tiring of hearing it), the One who loved me enough to die for me, who lives for me, and who cares for me (and mine--despite whatever circumstances might in their veiling and limited revealings be trying to say and convince me otherwise)throughout ever single moment of every single day, for the rest of my life--for eternity. Nothing, can ever touch my life (or yours) without first being sifted through His hands of love. Nothing ever passes His notice, nor does He lose sight of me (or you) ever, ever, ever, for even for a second. 

Thinking of you and praying for you, wherever you are and wherever life is taking, and on the way holding, for you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you, more than anyone you've ever known or will know, and He loves you, just as you are, and too much to leave you that way. 

Loving you too. Thanks for thinking of and praying for me and mine, tenderly, a one leaning on His everlasting arms, her head on His bosom, Jewels

Comments

  1. Thank you, as always, for sharing your mom's posts. What a sweet time those years were, when she was blogging. She was a blessing and an encouragement to so many women.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment